Middle school angst and homeschooling

Middle school. It's a time of challenge, confusion, emotional roller coasters and intensity. I've said many times in the past few months that the kid is both fifteen and seven at the same time. His Christmas wishlist is a perfect example of the juxtaposition- Chima Lego sets and a gamer's mouse, little gizmos and a Magic the Gathering trade binder. The whole list reads as if someone should have split it in two for different kids.

It catches me off guard how much middle school has really affected him. Since he's just 11, it seems early for puberty but yet his shoulders are broader, his attitude is bigger and he has an insatiable appetite. Sometimes he's emotionally shaken due to a simple thing a friend says that lasts for days. Other times, he'll suffer a major disappointment and I expect an intense reaction but instead get a wise response far beyond his years. It's a challenge, as a mom, but particularly as his teacher, because I never know which part of the hydra we're dealing with today.

I've been a middle school teacher for fifteen years now and I can definitely say that my experience with the age group is reassuring and provides me a level of understanding and normalcy. I'm often counseling friends who are in the throes of it for their very first time. Middle school girls in particular, enjoy being contrarians and messing with their parents. What was cool yesterday, is a stupid idea today, particularly if it was mom's idea. Recently a friend told me that her daughter has stopped reading for pleasure because it's "not cool".  Her reaction was to require more reading at home and to start telling her daughter what to read. I get it- we all want great readers and to encourage our kids to find adventure in books. But the kiss of death for any book is to have it recommended to a middle school girl by her mom! I suggested she just keep going to the library, keep collecting books and just leave them around. Don't talk about it; don't apply pressure. Sit back and think like a scientist- this is a time for observation only.

Homeschooling a middle schooler brings a different level of challenge. Since in most cases, kids take their angst off to school where they can complain about their stupid parents with their absurd rules. As a teacher, I've often used this opportunity to create relationships with my students and to try to bridge the gap between home and school communication. I work with students to figure out how to express their feelings better at home and to negotiate situations that might give them a more positive outcome.

Both the kid and I have had to learn to negotiate well, walk the line of parent/child and student/teacher, regardless of emotional outbursts, frustration and anger (on both sides!) I understand now why many homeschoolers decide that middle school is the time to find an alternative traditional school that will work. The emotional days can be overwhelming, particularly when you have other things to do as an adult, and your middle schooler is being stubborn, resistant and obstinate. These are the days when you need to stay the course the most. Stick to your schedule and be consistent. Math happens before TV- no matter if you scream and yell like a two year old or a fifteen year old. It's still going to happen.

For homeschooling parents, try some empathetic listening and let your kids express their feelings. You may find their reason for being angry to be completely outlandish or stupid. Often, as they start talking, they'll realize how silly it sounds too. But no matter how hard you have to try, do not point it out. Sometimes, just letting it all out is what they really need and knowing you'll still love them anyway is the best answer.

If you're still looking for more advice, here are some books we've used that have been a huge help. They are not all homeschooling specific but they will help you find a common ground with your middle schooler.